October 15th Raleigh

Another year of October 15th Raleigh has come and gone and I'm still amazed at just how beautiful the ceremony this year really was. I have to admit that I was nervous. I was pretty overwhelmed preparing for both October 15th and Uganda and was praying that God would do the rest. And it's no surprise that He did. The presence of God was so strong that evening that people didn't want to leave. It was truly an awesome thing to witness and to be a part of.

From the music to the volunteers, everything was seamless.

I have to say that I was most touched by all of the brave women (and man!) who got up in front of everyone and shared the most intimate details of the the darkest days in their lives. And there were a lot of you! Once again, I have been blessed by all of these parents much more than I could possibly offer to them. I simply gave them a safe place to grieve. I simply said yes.

A huge thanks to Jennifer Gregory who wrote a beautiful article in the North Raleigh News about October 15th Raleigh.

Bonded in grief, local parents find solace - News - NorthRaleighNews.com

A letter to my son

Dear Robert~
I can't believe how quickly two years goes by. I still miss you every day, but momma, daddy and big brother Mason are moving on; that's the way it's supposed to be. We're not supposed to live in grief. We know that you are safe and in His loving arms and I have faith in the promise that I will hold you again.
We spent August 21st the best way we knew how - as a family. The three of us went to a baseball game, ate hotdogs and peanuts, saw Scooby-doo (Mason's favorite) and watched fireworks. It was a good night. Even still, I couldn't help but to think what it would have been like to have you there with us.

Mason asks constantly when he will have a little brother or sister to play with and to love. He knows who you are, but still doesn't quite understand it all. He wants you here. Daddy and I remind him that every family is different and special and that he must wait on and trust God for his brother or sister; I'm still waiting and trusting, too. 
I'm getting ready for another special ceremony that helps other mommy's and daddy's in our area honor their babies. It's called October 15th Raleigh. It's my special way of honoring your short life and the countless other little lives. It's my way to serve and love, even in the midst of still missing you. 
I know that you can't see me or hear me or even read this, but it helps me still to write this now. You are missed. You are valuable. You are precious to me. You are loved.
Love,
Momma

I admit it

I've been completely avoiding my own blog. I mean, it's been four months since I've even written a post. I think I'm still really good at convincing myself that if I keep myself busy enough, I won't think about missing Robert. I miss my son.

Next month marks two years since Robert's death. I still can't believe that two years have passed. I would have a toddler. Robert would be running around, getting into everything. He would be following his big brother like a puppy. He would be giving big, sloppy, open mouth kisses.

My heart still aches from all that I'll never have with my son.

For the first time in over six months, I looked at the few photos that I have of Robert after I delivered him. He was so tiny and so perfect. I still can't help but to ask God, "Why?" His little urn is carefully tucked in my dresser drawer.

I've begun planning again for October 15th Raleigh, but I also know that I want to do something special in Robert's memory this year. I just don't know what?

It's easier this year than last, but it's still hard. There will always be a part of me that's missing.

A case of mistaken identity?

It may sound strange, but Robert's name was not always Robert. Bob and I had chosen a different name entirely for our second son. Or I should say, Bob found the name and we both fell in love with it (much like what happened with Mason's name). If you have not gone through the loss of a baby, you may not understand. But I actually know several people who have made the same choice that we did, and for many of the same reasons. It does not mean that we did not think through his name or the reason for it's choosing. We just felt that God was leading us in a different direction.

Robert was supposed to be named Asher. I love that name and still do. Asher literally means "happy."

For several reasons, we changed his name from Asher to Robert. First, the death of our son was so hard and painful that we didn't feel that giving him a name that meant happy was appropriate. Second, we held on to the hope and promise that God would bless us with another son and wanted to save the name Asher for our next son. Heck, at this point, I love the name so much that I'd use it for a girl! And last, it was Bob who decided to change his name at the last minute. Bob's formal name is Robert. I think that it was Bob's way of staying connected to a son we would never know here on earth.

I have hope that I will have another child. I still miss my Robert every day, but I can't wait to meet my Asher.

No. I haven't forgotten.

I know that it's been a while since I've posted on Robert's blog. I do confess that I've been so wrapped up in dealing with this mess of secondary infertility that it's been just enough to keep my mind off of missing Robert.


This month, Robert would have been one. Yes, I would have had a one year old and a 4 1/2 year old. It's so strange to think of what my life would look like if Robert were here. I think back to Mason's first birthday. I look at the sweet photos of the big "1" balloon. The messy cake photos. The smiles. The celebration. Anyone who knows me knows that I love a good party. I love to decorate and plan and make things special for that very special person. Even more, it's the whole idea of having a day to celebrate the life of someone you love. I hate that Robert's life was cut short.


I still miss my son everyday.