Sunday, April 26, 2009

Comparing hurts and losses

I've noticed recently how many people try to compare losses. I've heard over and over again for the last eight months from friends and other women that their own loss was not as "bad" as mine because they were only in the first trimester and didn't have to go through labor and delivery. On the other hand, I've known people to say that because I was not full-term that it wasn't as bad as "so-and-so's loss". My best advice about comparing losses: Don't do that. Comparing hurts and losses is a waste of time. Just because I lost my son in my second trimester doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt as much or it's not as much of a loss for a friend who lost a baby at 8 weeks pregnant. Walk in someone else's shoes for a day and see if you still want to compare.

I'm so glad that God doesn't compare or prioritize our hurts against anyone else. Can you imagine if he was saying, "Well Katy, I have this women over here who delivered a few weeks later than you, so she's hurting more and needs me more than you do." No way! God knows our hearts and our hurts, and they are all just as important to him. Wouldn't it be great if we could all treat each other with the same kind of love and respect?

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Sometimes I feel out of place

My life and overall perspective has changed so much in the last year that sometimes I just don't know where I "fit". I've been in this world of grief and loss for almost eight months and it sets me apart from my prior life and the people in it. And while I've met new, wonderful people who share my same journey of loss, I just don't want to stay in that world forever. On the other hand, there is always a new gap between the people I knew before losing Robert. I can feel it, even though I've accepted it. Especially with those friends who were pregnant at the same time I was, because they've all had their babies by now. 

I can feel a new season beginning. One that doesn't feel so sad, but hopeful. Not that I will ever forget my son, I just know that my life is continuing and it feels right. Even so, I know that I am still allowed to have sad moments or even days and more importantly, that it's okay. 

I was at the zoo with Mason on Thursday. We went with a dear friend of mine and her two kids. At one point, her daughter (almost 5 y/o) was hugging and kissing on her little brother (almost 8 months old) and I found myself feeling sad. I felt sad for the little brother that Mason does not have here. I know how much Mason loves babies and how sweet he is with them. I know what a wonderful big brother he will be.

Friday, April 3, 2009

One of those days

Today, I'm just tired. The whole TTC thing can really start to wear on you and I could seriously see myself slipping back into a depression if I didn't watch myself. I'm also sick with a head cold and pushing myself pretty hard lately. I often find myself trying to be everything to everyone and my physical, mental and spiritual health wear thin. 

Most people think I'm doing so well, which for the most part, I am. But there are still those days when I feel like I'm just barely hanging on.