Saturday, March 28, 2009

Pleasant surprise

I have to admit that I began this blog with somewhat selfish intentions. I wanted to work through this journey of loss in order that I may find healing and peace. Little did I  know that along the way I would touch peoples lives with my story. 

I'm so touched by the many e-mails, pm's and even face-to-face words of affirmation that I've received over the last month about Robert's blog. And while I'm honored and humbled, I also can't take the credit. I simply listened to God and started a blog. My words are His words.

It's hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but it's truly amazing how God can bless you and other's around you when you choose to let go and let God take control. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

So what now?

I'm not the only one out there who's experienced a loss or illness or some sort of tragedy. No one is promised a perfect life, devoid of pain. Life here on earth, and all that comes with it, is unavoidable. But regardless of where we've been, we make the choice of where we go from here. Are we going to let it crush us or will we come out on the other side stronger than before? Will we allow bitterness of heart and spirit to take over or will we savor the sweetness of the blessings we're given? The choice is ours. 

And then you take it to the next step: How can I love and impact others who may be hurting after a loss (or illness, etc.)? I love the book A Purpose Driven Life and especially that first line, "It's not about you." I've started asking myself a lot more what I can do to help other women who've experienced a loss. And even though the hurt is still there, with time brings clarity and healing. I know that God will use me if I allow him to. So what's stopping me? Why does stepping out in faith feel so hard? 

Saturday, March 7, 2009

I miss my mom

I can't help but to miss my mom. No, my mom hasn't passed away but we have been estranged for well over a year. Which means that she never even knew that she had and lost a grandson. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to pick up the phone and tell her, but I haven't. I remember wanting so desperately to call her the morning I delivered Robert. I was all alone in my recovery room, so exhausted in so many ways, and it took everything in me not to pick up my mobile and give her a call. It was one of those pivotal moments in my life when I really needed my mom, but I knew in my heart that she could not be there like I needed her to be. I was also very angry at her for that. But I realized, once again, that I can't expect something from her that she's unable to give me, therefore being angry is futile. 

I've had several people ask me how I feel about the fact that I gave my mom one of my kidney's and we no longer talk. My response: God does not make mistakes. I may not have the relationship I wish I had with my mom, but I know that she's alive and healthy. God blessed me with the exact family I was supposed to have. He gave me the exact dad, mom, sister and brother that he intended for my life. Who am I to argue with that? I also don't believe that it's beyond hope for me and my mom. It's so easy for me to say, "It's been like this with my mom for so long that it will never change", but then I am saying that I don't trust God. But I believe that God can change a person's heart. So I pray everyday that God's will be done in my broken relationship with my mom.

The one thing that I find so awesome is that regardless of the fact that I no longer have a mom or a dad in my life, it does not mean that I'm all alone. God tells us that he's a father to the fatherless (and the motherless). I find comfort in knowing that I have an amazing, loving heavenly father that loves me unconditionally. I also have a wonderful example of what it means to be a good mom to my own children.