Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A loaded question

When someone knows that you're a mom, the first, most natural question is to ask about your children. How many kids do you have? What are their names and ages? So when I'm in situation where I know I'll be meeting and talking to moms who don't know my history, I find myself scrambling to decide what I will say. If I say I have one child, then I feel like I'm letting Robert down. But if I say I have two, then I'll have to explain the loss, and let's face it, people just don't want to hear about a baby that died. I could say, "I have one living child," but in my experience, that's also a major downer to people. I've seen the conversation abruptly stop with that one, too. 

I hate that I even have to think about things like this.


  1. I hate it also. I am always trying to figure out what to say, or being caught by surprise and have to come up with something quick. I tried the "no living children" reply once and the lady was like, "what does that mean?" Lovely. I think I've decided that if I ever don't want to talk about it myself, I will answer the easy way...but I'm not going to disregard Gregory because someone else might not want to hear it. Hugs.

  2. I am usually questioned why my kids are 4 years apart. "Not my plan," I say. I add that I lost 2 pregnancies in between my girls. I call them pregnancies..I know they would have been my sons, but for others it softens the blow. So, rather than saying I lost a son, a child etc. I say a pregnancy. It ends on a soft note and if they ask more, they ask and I can tell them more or not. It is a very touchy subject for both those who have lost and those who have to hear our story. Both sides need to be respected.

  3. I've learned to typically say we have four at home and one in Heaven. Those that are genuinely interested will ask questions, those that are uncomfortable about it will just keep on with the conversation, almost like I didn't say that.

    But that's ok. At least I acknowledge her like I do all of my kids. ;) It hurts my heart too much not to.