Wednesday, May 27, 2009

When you know you've hit your limit

I know it's been some time since I've written anything on this blog. Overall, life has been good. We're caught up in the whole TTC thing again and it's just enough to keep my mind off of other things; for a while, anyways. 

It was such a blessing to celebrate Mason's 4th birthday on Monday. Celebrating with friends was fun and crazy and Mason was loving it. But it's amazing how even in the middle of a celebration, the loss of Robert can hit me. Three babies and one pregnant woman at our party. Which is fine, but throw in the non-stop baby/pregnancy talk and I felt like I was in a black-hole. I had to keep myself busy or go outside just so I didn't break out in tears. Who knows, maybe someday I'll want to swap pregnancy and delivery stories again, but not now. What so many people quickly forget is that my last delivery didn't turn out so well. I was in labor for 12 hours and delivered and held a baby that I didn't get to bring home. I won't get the milestones of rolling over, crawling, first words. I won't get to celebrate his first birthday or any birthdays. I don't get to wake up and snuggle and nurse my son every morning. Instead, I wake up every morning and see his remains in a tiny urn on my dresser. Yes, I know that's not Robert, but it's the only way I even know it was all real. That's my reality. 

And another thing. Yes, it was nine months ago. But guess what? I'm NOT OVER IT! I'll never be over losing Robert. Yes, it gets a little more manageable over time, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about my son. And even when we eventually do get pregnant again, I still won't be over it. One child doesn't replace another child.

Yes, it's a fine line. I don't want people walking on egg shells around me, afraid that what they'll say will upset me. But I want people to be aware that careless words hurt. When you're friends with someone and love them, you need to be aware of the balance. It's a give and take on both sides and at this point, I've reached my limit. Now, do I think that my friends were trying to intentionally hurt me by what they were saying? No. Do I think that it went overboard with all the pregnancy/baby talk? Absolutely! Guess what ladies, we love our kids and families. But we are still women who can talk about things other than allergies, diapers and hiccups ad nauseam. 


  1. I agree. I am 9 months past my loss of Gregory and I am CERTAINLY not "over it". I get very hurt by things people say. I can handle some pregnancy/baby talk, but too much of it sends me into tears also. I am sorry you had to deal with that at Mason's birthday party. I also can vouch that a 2nd child will never replace the ones we have lost. I miss Gregory just as much as I am preparing for the new baby. Hugs.

  2. Knowing you'll never "get over it" is the first step to really accepting the loss. And no another child will never replace the one you lost. NEVER! People just don't realize what they do. Many live very unconsciously. You must walk in another's shoes to really understand this whole experience. I can get lost in a world of what could and would have been with my losses. You can always just be plain honest and suggest "Hey, let's talk about something else." Or change the subject. Walking out was a great thing too. Take care. You are not alone.

  3. I wish people were more aware of the things they do/say that can hurt. It is so hard and I try very hard not to be this bitter/angry person, but it is hard. I was surprised on an evening out, two weeks after my miscarriage, with friends throwing another girl a baby shower. Have some tact, give me a heads up, don't think that doing that in my face without giving me warning will be okay. People just don't think.
    I am sorry that it dampered your celebration of Mason's birthday. I hope he had a wonderfully special day. I am sure he felt the love and happiness for him from his parents.

  4. Hey, Katy. It's Ellen. My blog is If you want to see some of what I wrote during infertility and pregnancy loss, check the sidebar.

    I'm very aware of the overboard pregnancy talk right now in life. There was a girl going through infertility in my small group when Seth was a baby, and when she was there, I would try very hard to steer the talk away from babies. It was tough to do all by myself... because the other girls just didn't get it. Eventually, I talked to them a little bit about what she was feeling while they were talking poopy diapers and swollen ankles. If you haven't been through it, and you're not an incredibly sensitive person, you don't think about it.

    Hang in there. And I'm your ally. If you're around, and I see the conversation going the wrong way, I will try and help. Or you can roll your eyes at me, and we can go somewhere else. I know I've got a tiny baby right now... but I haven't forgotten. And I never will. It was too hard. I promise.