Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Not ready until now...

And even at that, I'm going to take this slow. I've become very aware at how many moms blog to work through the grief of losing a child. I know that I will never forget Robert, but I have hope that God will help me to manage his loss.

It was six months ago this weekend that we learned that our sweet Robert was gone. Grief is a funny thing (but not in the "funny ha-ha" sense). I couldn't possibly have planned for a loss like this, so I had no idea how it would feel to be here. Even six months later, I grapple with the "why's" on a daily basis. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about what I've lost, about how my life would be different with him here. About how our family would be different. But losing Robert has also made me acutely aware of all that I do have, of just how blessed I really am. 

I praise God everyday that my marriage has not only survived losing Robert, but that it has thrived. I feel closer to Bob than I ever have. We made a very deliberate decision while I was even still recovering in the hospital that with God's help, we would make this journey together. That's not to say that we haven't grieved differently and separately at times. It was always very important that Bob recognize and work through the grief just as much as I am. After all, losing Robert happened to him as well. 

And then there's my beautiful boy, Mason. Though too young to fully comprehend the death of his brother, so aware that something is different. Ironically enough, I was sitting with Mason on Saturday evening, reading books before bedtime, when he looks at me and asks, "Mommy, why don't you have a baby in your belly anymore? Don't you like babies anymore?" As the tears rolled down my cheeks, I told him once again that he went to be with Jesus but that we'll have another baby again. He innocently continued reading with me while meanwhile, I felt crushed. I know that there'll be days like these.

No comments:

Post a Comment