Sunday, October 4, 2009

Constant Reminders

As usual, we were 5 minutes late for church today. I hurriedly slipped into my seat, grabbing my bible and notebook to begin to take notes for today's sermon. When I slowed down to begin to listen to Paul, I couldn't help but notice an infant car seat in the row in front of me. A moment later, the mom pulled a beautiful, very new baby girl from the seat. She placed her over her shoulder and this little ones eyes met mine. The pain of what I've lost came flooding back. Tears began to spill and I knew that there was no way I'd make it through service with this baby staring back at me. Bob and I moved for the remainder of service.

Robert has been gone for over a year and I still get caught in these moments. I'm not sure when they'll hit, usually sneaking up on me when I least expect it. I don't know why it hit me so hard this morning. Perhaps I'm emotionally strained with October 15th Raleigh coming up? Maybe it was the look I saw on Bob's face as he sat staring at this baby girl; part sadness, part longing. 

It makes me wonder how I'll feel ten years from now or even longer. I've talked to so many women who've experienced a loss years ago, but still live with the pain of losing a baby. How they may look up when they hear a name being called; their child's name. They wonder how their life would have been different had their baby been here with them still. I believe that God made mother's different. There is an instant bond that begins to take place when a women knows that she is pregnant. And an inimitable pain when that baby is gone. A mother's heart does not forget.


  1. A mother will never forget her child. You carried Robert and he will always have a piece of your heart. He will always be with you even if its 20 years from now. They say we get through the pain of loosing a child, but not over it.

  2. No it doesnt forget. It never will.

  3. My sweet sweet friend.

    I want to use a whole bunch of flowery words and deep set messages but I can't find the right words to say;

    You are amazing for taking up the task of getting October 15th together.

    It turned out amazing.

    God worked in a mighty way through you.

    I hope I didn't steel anyone's thunder or detract from the night with what I said.

    Cindy was inspirational. The music was amazing. It was perfect.

    Thank you. Simply truly and sincerely, thank you.

    Love and blessings

  4. Katy,
    I couldn't find a way to contact you through the Oct 15th website, so this comment field is what I could do.

    Thank you so much for organizing and making Oct 15th happen. Up until an hour before it started I wasn't sure if I could go. If I could grieve in public.

    Over the summer, we suffered an incomplete miscarriage. Over the course of 7 excruciating weeks, I watched pieces of what was left of our child fall into a toilet. Day after day after day.

    Last week, we decided to give it a name, so that we could celebrate the gift of life and not the months of pain and agony.

    God clearly convicted me, last Thursday, that to grieve is a testimony of my faith. The fact that even though a life is little and short, it is a gift that is from Him. It is uniquely Christian that we celebrate life from the point of conception as the work of an Almighty Creator. Only God can give life. Only God can take life. It is a lie of Satan that minimizes the loss of the life or the preciousness of each of our children who are gone. We belive and therefore we grieve.

    God spoke clearly to me that I should be there to support you, myself and other Moms who speak out for those little lives. This is part of our testimony to a lost world. Painful, yes. But it is what God has chosen to weave into each of our lives for His purposes.

    For that I must be grateful that God would choose me to be a voice and in that, He would also bring the healing and joy that will one day come from losing our little Ellie.

    Thank you again Katy for walking in faith!

    -- Meg Dreifuss
    Mom to Emily, Logan, and Ellie